LOT WARS

By the Phenster Menace
Noah Phence ©1997.

Not too many years ago, in a city nearby, a group of interstellar troubadours
began their stellar journey across the galaxy, to help
spread the message of the Helping Phriendly Book and the "vibration of life" .
Wookies, Ewoks, Rebel soldiers and martians alike, flocked
from all quadrants of the galaxy to hear the cosmic translation of philosophical
folklore into sound. Folklore-a story of significant
cultural transcendence into the past, to guide us through the future.

To us seemingly modern day adventuress, the story of Star Wars is most
compelling, and the synchronicity of life imitating art can bring
us many instances where history seemingly repeats its self in a most delightful way.

Nothing is written in stone, your own interpretation is as valid as mine.
ENJOY!!!
>Jerry Garcia -Obi Wan Kenobi,(Jerry Wan) last of the jedi knights, passing down
the light saber to the new generation of Jedi, Trey Skywalker.

>Trey Anastasio-Luke Skywalker-last of the jedi knights..
> -Mike Gordon-Darth Vader-"Me no are no nice guy!"-the hair..


> - Page McConnell-C-3PO--Just is.
> -Jon Fishman-Princess Leia-its the moo moo ...
>
> --CREW--"
> -Chris Kuroda-R2-D2-projects the lights, crucial for audio/visual synchronization
> information retrieval
>
> -Dickie.---Lando Calrissian- " A man of considerable resources and. ' host
and administrator of this facility ' Little is known about the history of the
charming and roguish gambler.

> -John Paluska- Emperor Palpatine"
The dark side of the force manifested
itself in one man who was so malevolently evil that he would almost destroy
the entire galaxy in his search for power".

> -Shelly Culbertson- Mon Mothma-
as leader of the rebel alliance,Mon Mothma is in
control of the reshaping of the galaxy, unlike other leaders, she has not let
her power corrupt her.

> -Amy --Bobba Fett--Amy Fett
--bounty hunter, feared in every corner of the
galaxy for disrupting diverted funds to the empire.

> -Brad Solo - Mostly known as a smuggler, pirate, and star ship pilot,the little
information of his past is obtained from conversational asides, public
records, bounty posters or old friends. Earned the nickname "slick" after a
slick maneuver performed in a malfunctioning U-33 load lifter.

> -Paul Languedoc --Yoda--
the Jedi master-builder of Treys light saber and shaper of sound.
Although the master jedi, Yoda was caught slippin by the empire in
salacious crumbs hotel lobby in worcester. DOH!

> -Tom M--Grand moff Tarkin--
Grand Marshal Tarkin "a tall gaunt man with sunken
cheeks and piercing eyes.His intense demeanor brought him
respect tinged with fear".

> - Pete Corrini- Bib Fortuna- no reason, just a cool picture to go with it..


> -Bart--Emperor's Royal guard (not Gartogg as previously rumored) and crusader
against FOB Taping (see Antelope Greg)

> -John--Rancor (monster in Jabbas castle)

> Dave the bus driver--Talon Karrde-"Top operator in the shady fringe of the
galaxy. "

> -Equipment roadies--The Jawa -"despite their appearance and smelly living
conditions, Jawas are excellent at repairs and analyzing
mechanical devices "

> --Eric-Dr.Evazan-"insane medical practioner fond of "creative surgery", taking
people apart and putting them together again, preferring them to scream."

> ---INTERESTING PERSONAS---

> -Jabba the Hutt-whom ever has the best tapes or nugs
or G.F.

> -Salacious Crumb-" Me- the Author- The Phenster Menace
a Kowakian Lizard-monkey, this bizarre scrawny creature
seemed only slightly sentient, but his stupidity was partially an act.
Although he mainly spoke in cackles and laughs, salacious was
intelligent enough to survive as Jabbas court jester."
Update!- Salacious came back to the Force to be an apprentice of the Jedi, away from the dark side.
After being apprehended at the END OF TIME,
For attempting to collect from
thieves that had stolen his Sacrament to the gods.
He has since spent the Abyss in time rehabilitating his ankle
and being a creative monster.
(Was recently hassled by the pitiful remnants of the empires guard for unloading Crimson Deigo tickets for face value at RCMH. Ever since all the brave guards were nearly all killed, only the cowards and weak minded remain, leaving the general populace to be demeaned and unprotected against the real threats against the rebel forces. Undaunted ,Salacious laughed it off and continued to travel throughout the galaxy, capturing the sounds of the universe.

> -Wookies-The most prevalent species on the planet .Usually unkempt,dirty.
Arguments often settled by stomping and chanting aggressively.
Intelligence ranges from high to animal.
They live in the trees in "Be Good Family" clusters.

> -Ewoks- a kinder, gentler, cleaner creature,
less aggressive, better adjusted to dodging Imperial forces.

> --Rebel Soldiers- white hattys usually in groups of 4 or more,and drunk. Most
impervious to Empire because of their low profile appearance.

> --Stormtroopers- cops -mindless, faceless, non humans, whoring themselves as slaves to the Empire.

> --Lobot-in show security - human cyborgs controlled (but not infallible) by Landos wristwatch.


>> --Waldo-Greedo-" A bounty hunter whose dreams far exceeded his grasp,the green
skinned, foul smelling Greedo managed to rack up more
enemies than friends during his short life."( page68 "the essential guide to
characters")-no shit

> --Antelope Greg- Muftak-"born on Tatooine, Muftak knows nothing of his
cultural background,and no one knows quite what they are. he grew up on the
streets of Mos Eisley,watching with his four eyes and listening, claiming to
know the secrets of the schznibbs. He frightens
the local Ewoks with erratic unrythmic violent gestations, once, in a fit so out
of control, he injured himself forcing him to wrap his alien
appendage in a cast.

> FALL UPDATE: Antelope Greg Now must face the wrath of Jabba the Hutt with a
bounty placed on his head after the FOB incident at Nassau 99. Rumors say Bobba
Fett has encased Greg in the same freeze unit used for Brad Solo and is
transporting the unit to the Hutt compound. Stay tuned for more details.

(thanks to the book-STAR WARS-the essential guide to characters)

> ----PLACES OF INTEREST-----

> --Death Star-- VA beach-
last appearance of the spirit of Obi Wan Kenobi.

> --Kessel System--furthest parking lot from the venue,
usually reserved for early
arrivals or out of state cars.These vehicles are
systematically distributed to the imperial observation sector, where they are
analyzed and probed by undercover imperial forces.

> --Kashyyyk--Chewbaccas home planet!!!
.Best place to buy beer is in this sector,
Schwilly pinhead wookies dominate by sheer number ,carrying
ghetto blasters on their shoulders, lip rings clinking as they shout.
"PHARMIES!", is a sure sign you have wandered TOO far, get your beer and get out!


> --Two Moons of Endor--Inside the venue,
all the way up in back or behind the
stage-where the Ewoks go to Puff.

> --Dego Ba System- Yodas home world
-the soundboard area and the tapers section.

> ---SPICE TRADE----the spice is the music.
we smuggle and receive the spice from
galaxy to galaxy . The Empire tries to intercept the spice
dealers but are largely unsuccessful.


> ---JEDI MIND TRICK---
The most practiced skill of a seasoned phishhead "were not the droids your
looking for"
"yes these are my seats" or "I've been driving all day and I've got alot of gear
in the car , and id rather you not"

> ---UPDATE---
---Latest news in the galaxy reports that Minoc, chewing on the power cables,
were responsible for the incident at Barcelona 7/10/98.

Dodging the Empires Imperial guard has become a constant menace, and the Wookie
population has exploded.

Many rebel spy's have lost their shit due to rigorous touring, for better and
for worse.

The special visit from Jerry-wan Kenobi was our reward, for trusting the force
to stealth us past the intense imperial security, into the fully operational
> Death Star. We received a transmission of a rare and different tune. His ghost
appearing before us, bestowing a well known secret, we recorded the message and
escaped with our lives.
Now they plan a return raid on the Deathstar this summer....
May the Phorce be with us

Note of interest--- I wrote this BEFORE Dave made the famous Phish wars shirts..

Noah Phence AKA The Phenster Menace

" you're fuckin nuts Noah, yet it all seems to make sense... " -


TAO TE CHING


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busting chops since 2002